A pregnant woman who has been ordered by her husband of two years to have an abortion has been advised by others to end the relationship – and have the baby.
Posting anonymously on Mumsnet, the 35-year-old from Britain explained she has been with her husband for five years and married for two, however he isn’t ready to have children.
She said her husband, also 35, claims their relationship will be negatively affected if she goes through with the pregnancy and he won’t be able to forgive her.
The woman added that her husband doesn’t think she’s mentally strong enough to have a child because she suffered from depression and anxiety last year.
The post racked up over 500 comments from concerned individuals who labelled her husband ‘controlling and manipulative’.
The woman explained that her husband voiced concerns about her not being mentally strong enough to have a baby and said he wouldn’t forgive her if she keeps it
Explaining the situation, the woman said: ‘I just need some advice. I’ve been with husband for five years, married two. I’m pregnant at 35 and although surprising news, I want to keep the baby.
‘My husband on the other hand is saying he’s not ready for a child (also 35) and says he wants to have an abortion. This is devastating for me. He has been clear with me though that he didn’t want kids for another couple of years so I can’t say it came as a surprise.’
She continued: ‘I love him so much, I don’t want to do it but I don’t want to lose him. He said that if I go though with it our relationship will be negatively affected forever and he won’t be able to forgive me for taking the decision out of his hands. He said it’s not fair that the decision just falls with me.’
The woman revealed she suffered some depression and anxiety problems last year and said her husband doesn’t think she’s mentally strong enough to deal with a baby and fears their relationship won’t survive having a child.
‘This has upset me and makes me feel that I would be a bad mum,’ she went on. ‘I also can’t contemplate the thought of us staying together through the next nine months with such a strain on us.
‘We’re quite social people and it’s going to be awful telling people the news as they’ll be over the moon for us, I’ll just be mortified by this as I’ll know he’s dying inside.’
Asking for advice, she concluded: ‘What do I do? I’m so upset I can’t stop crying. I don’t want to tell anyone close to me in case they judge us and think he’s a bad person or that I’m weak.
‘He said in a couple of years he’d probably be ready. I don’t know what to do now. We are barely even talking and the atmosphere at home is so stressful. I was forced into an abortion I didn’t want to have with my previous partner ten years ago and the guilt has never left me. I can’t believe this is happening again.’
A stream of initial responses to the post warned the woman not to have an abortion because she will resent her husband and may not be able to conceive in later life.
A stream of initial responses to the post warned the woman not to have an abortion, because she will resent her husband and may not be able to conceive in later life
One person wrote: ‘If you want a child do not abort. Take his feelings and opinions out of this for a second and have a think about what you would do. If you continue the pregnancy, the “worst case” is he leaves.
‘Can you do this alone? If yes, then go for it. His complete indecision about if and when he may want children only really affects you. After all, he would wait until he is 50. You can’t.’
Another commented: ‘Such a sad situation for you. I don’t think your husband wants a baby ever. Could it be he is saying five years to put you off now knowing the chances of getting pregnant at 40 are very slim? I would be keeping the baby and dumping the husband.’
Many responses to the post warned the woman that it could be difficult to conceive in the future if she terminates her pregnancy now
A third added: ‘I would urge you to get some real life support as soon as possible. Be that a trusted family member, friend or someone outside that. He will continue to try and wear you down until you give in and I feel you will then regret it.
‘He is going to keep chipping away at you and you need someone on your side to give you strength. I won’t repeat all the good advice you’ve already been given but I agree with all that’s been said.’
Others shared similar situations, admitting it’s difficult for a marriage to survive when a husband dictates what the wife should do with her body.
One person wrote: ‘He should realise it takes two to make a baby, if he was so certain he didn’t want a baby he should have been wearing condoms. I totally feel for you, I was in your shoes a year ago. Found out that I was pregnant with our third which my husband wanted to abort.
Other people shared examples of women who had abortions because of their husband and resented them for it
‘I spent weeks so upset, I was worried it would ruin our relationship but I think he was just scared/worried. He came round to the idea but I didn’t force it/ push it.
‘Think once he saw the scan and when we found out it was a girl he was excited and they have a lovely bond now. We took it a day at a time, it’s your body, personally I couldn’t face the guilt of an abortion.’
Elsewhere one person added: ‘A friend of mine was forced into an abortion by her husband. By forced I mean he threatened to leave her and their two children, told her she wasn’t mentally strong enough to have another. He drove her to the clinic, dropped her off and left her to it.
‘Turned out he was having an affair. Left her anyway. He ended up having a child with the other woman. My friend was left devastated. I don’t think you have much chance of the marriage surviving either way.’